Episode 20 - EVIL TWINS in Horror Movies or "Attack of the Clones"

THIS EPISODE CONTAINS ONLY MILD SPOILERS

In this dramatic episode of The Retro Podcast Massacre, the podcast is taken over by Val's EVIL TWIN Hal, who is determined the turn the Willing Participants into an army of unthinking drones!

But first, Hal reviews three horror films which feature twins. The first is 1981's "Madhouse", directed by Ovidio G. Assonitis, featuring a spooky old house and a terrifying twin sister, hell-bent on REVENGE!

Then we look at Brian de Palma's brilliant thriller "Sisters", starring Margot Kidder and featuring more Hitchcock references than a Truffaut textbook. 

Finally, we spend some time with the Mantle twins in David Cronenberg's brilliant and disturbing "Dead Ringers".

This episode also features our first ever Pets in Peril RED Alert, a new segment called "Mansplaining with Men" and a pack of farty Labrador dogs. 

Will Val escape? Will Hal's evil plans succeed? You'll have to listen to find out!

Transcript

My Dear Willing Watchemacallits,

I’m afraid that if you are awaiting your regular introduction from my simpering brother Val Thomas, you are in for a long, fruitless wait. For I am his EVIL TWIN BROTHER, Hal Thomas. 

Yes! His EVIL TWIN! The twisted reflection in the mirror of his soul! The dastardly YIN to his insipid YANG! The Moriarty to his Holmes! The Sweep to his Sooty! 

And I have taken over this… podcast. It has been hijacked, purloined – STOLEN by the INSPIRED genius of my NEFARIOUS plans. 

What’s that? You wish to speak to him? Well, I’m afraid he’s a little “tied-up” at present… bwahahahahaha…

(Muffled sounds)

What’s that, brother? Shall I remove you gag? So that you may say GOODBYE FOREVER to your so-called “Willing” Participants!

How dare you! I demand you release me, THIS INSTANT!

I think NOT! First, you shall witness me, winning over the Willing Pretruberances…

Participants!

YES! I shall TAKE your Willing Participants and make them my own! I will them into a MINDLESS army of devoted SLAVES! They will carry out my EVIL BIDDING! And follow my every WHIM! And I shall DESTROY those FOOLS who stand in my way!

No! Not that! Not the Willing Participants! I beg you! Spare them!

And as for you, “my dear brother”… I have a very special fate in mind for you… First you will be covered in chunky-style peanut butter…

You monster! You fiend! You know I only like smooth style!

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!! And then I shall RELEASE the horde of Hungry Squirrels!

N-no! Please! Not that! Anything but that!

Say goodbye to your precious “Val Thomas” you Willing Fools! Soon, he will be no more!

UNLEASH… THE SQUIRRELS!!

(Rat noises)

(Man screaming)

(Theme)

My Dear Willing Participants,

Oh. Now. What does Val normally do? I’m sure his notes are around here somewhere…

They’re in the second draw down on the right.

What? I thought you were dead!

No. I’m just covered in squirrel-shit. Thanks to you.

God. Dammit! Why did my evil plan fail, WHY?

Because you got European red squirrels and not American greys.

W-What?

American greys are much more aggressive. You never do your research. You never follow through. It’s just like mummy says.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Damn you!

Right! Well! Never mind! Where’s that bloody script?? Second drawer on the right? Underneath the haemorrhoid ointment and the Celine Dion cd’s?

Yes. Yes. You don’t have to tell everyone. 

Right. So. Twins in horror… here we go. 

Since time immemorial, the image of the twins – have been used in literature and filmed entertainment to symbolise the internal struggle of the psyche. One must think only of Romulus and Remus or Cain and Abel in order to understand how deep-rooted and archetypal the…

Oh for goodness sake man. Put some life into it. 

What?

You need to express yourself better. Emote. Before the Willing Participants get bored and start listening to the Evolution of Horror podcast. 

Evolution of Horror? You’re dreaming! You’re not even in their LEAGUE! Don’t make me laugh!

Well, I don’t care! But do something to spice up this episode! 

Look. Who’s doing this bloody thing? And whose covered in rodent faeces, here?

You. You’re doing the thing. 

That’s better.

Just doing a shithouse job of it, that’s all. 

(Sighs)

Our first film on the subject of twins is Ovidio G. Assonitis’ film “Madhouse” from 1981. Assonitis also directed the truly, truly HORRIBLE monster movie “Tentacles” from 1977, starring Henry Fonda as Man Cashing a Huge Cheque for ten minutes work. He also made the bizarre Exorcist rip-off movie, “Beyond the Door”, starring Juliet Mills. 

The word “bizarre” does not seem equal to the task of describing “Beyond the Door”. It may be the only horror film I have ever seen where a man is attacked by a street-musician playing the flute with his nose. I swear I am not making this up.

But “Twins” has a remarkably promising opening. Over the opening credits, we see a pair of twin girls. One sitting down, the other standing over her. Creepy kids sing, “Rock a bye baby”. Then one of the girls picks up a rock and SMASHES in the face of the other. 

[Rock a bye baby]

Fast forward twenty years or so, and we’re introduced to Julia – a teacher at a special school for deaf children. She seems very nice and her pupils clearly love her. She has friends and she loves her job. She rents an apartment in a beautiful old building in Savannah, where her landlady is a rather eccentric woman, who floats around to ethereal music and tells her the building used to be a funeral parlour. The building is maintained by a strange Japanese man who scares Julia, and uses his key to let himself into Julia’s apartment without her knowledge.

Julia also has a boyfriend who is a successful psychologist. Which, as it turns out, is REALLY handy. For Julia is herself disturbed… haunted by thoughts of the past. 

You see, Julia has a secret. Ever since her mother died, she’s spent the last seven years trying to distance herself from Mary, her EVIL twin sister. Mary always resented Julia’s presence and the fact that she has to SHARE her birthday with this insipid, WEAK creature. During their childhood, Mary used her attack dog to subdue and terrify Julia and then to TORTURE her with burning matches… and NEEDLES.

[Nobody knows what she did to me!]

But… to forgive is divine, as they say. And Julia is unfortunate in that her uncle is a Catholic priest, big on the idea of reconciling the two twins. He explains to Julia that Mary is now terribly ill. Her mental issues have confined her to an asylum. And she has also contracted a disease which makes her skin suppurate and break out in sores. Which is – at one and the same time – both horrible and really handy. I mean, this is a film about twins where they have an in-built perfect excuse for the fact that they look nothing like each other.

Uncle James begs Julia to visit Mary, telling her that Mary has changed, and that it would really lift her spirits to see Julia again. Because Julia is just lovely, she complies and is horrified by what she sees. The best way to describe Mary would be to compare her to the character of Zelda in Mary Lambert’s “Pet Sematary”. She is a hideous, embittered monster, her skin apparently falling off her and her hatred of Julia not lessened by the intervening years at all…

[Run! But you’ll never get away from me!!]

Uncle James is perplexed by Julia’s response to this. He’s sure there must have been some misunderstanding and continues trying to reconcile the two sisters. But things are complicated when Mary apparently escapes from the asylum, leaving Julia in a state of terror – knowing that their joint birthday is but a few days away. And soon – people close to her start to be murdered – apparently the victim of some sort of enormous dog.

Julia goes to her boyfriend and her uncle with her concerns which they take incredibly seriously and do not at all just pat her hand and tell her to stop being so silly. Which reminds me. It is time for our new segment…

[MANSPLAINING THEME]

In these modern times, women can find the world confusing and and need a middle-aged white heterosexual man to explain it to them in a calm voice. Welcome to “Mansplaining with Men”….

Now then ladies. In “Madhouse” our hero Julia is CLEARLY not at all in peril. It’s just her – how to put this – her “womanny bits” which cause her to go a bit hysterical and act silly, unlike we very rational men who NEVER exhibit unwarranted emotional outbursts  like slamming kitchen cupboards when England lose a soccer match against Germany. 

These facts are very clearly explained to Julia, in a very calm fashion by her lovely supportive and not-at-all fucking patronising boyfriend in this scene

[mansplaining scene]

So. For any women still listening to this podcast, be aware that if YOU feel you’re being stalked by your insane evil twin sister, you’re just being “emotional” and really need to pull yourself together. 

There now. That was “Mansplaining With Men”. Don’t you feel better now, ladies?

[MANSPLAINING THEME]

“Madhouse” is the sort of early 80’s post-Halloween slasher in which women just hang out in adorable socks while wearing oversized male shirts before being murdered. This happened a lot, back in the day. And indeed, may explain why women have STOPPED wearing oversized male shirts with adorable socks. 

Evil Twin Mary is actually fantastic. She doesn’t appear often, but when she does, she’s like some hideous demonic spirit, screaming and laughing at her victims as she closes in on them. But it there more going on here than we first think? Is there ANOTHER killer orchestrating all this madness? You’ll have to watch to find out.

The deaths in this film are really quite imaginative and surprising. And what’s surprising about it, are the victims. It’s not just women targeted for once. Without spoiling it too much away, let’s just say that the death of one character in this film made me think to myself, “Well done Italian film-makers! You really don’t give a shit WHO you kill, do you?”

There’s also nice streak of creepy humour to Madhouse. I was surprised how often I laughed, on purpose at actual jokes that are supposed to be there. The killer, for example is good fun – singing and cheerful as the carnage unfolds. At one point the killer even says, “Why is everyone so afraid of dying, why? I mean, what’s so bad?” before killing someone and adding, “See? There’s nothing to it.”

Add to this pretty decent production standards, some nice use of the Georgia locations and a truly nightmarish creation in Mary and “Madhouse” makes for a way above average 1980’s slasher. So thank you to my Twitter friend Nye for recommending this to me. 

It's not all good news of course. Some parts of the plot never made sense to me. For the most part, the performances are okay, but a little daytime soap-opera. I do need to call out the landlady as a terrible actress though. When presented with a dead body, her reaction is to go “OooooOOOOo!!” like someone just presented her with a cheesecake.

And while most of the murder sequences are great, there’s a really weird one that just takes forever. I mean, we are used to slasher murderers taking their time, but this one just goes on and on. At one point the victim even takes a wee break and has a sit in a rocking-chair. While she is being pursued by a deranged killer with a big knife. And she knows this. It’s not like she’s not aware. Due to the “big knife”, and all.

I mean. Fuck’s sake lady, put a fire under it! You wouldn’t be sitting down if Leatherface was coming for you. But that is not the worst thing about Madhouse. It also requires a Pets in Peril RED Alert

PETS IN PERIL RED ALERT

Pets in peril alerts. For those of us who have no issues at all with seeing throats torn out and eyeballs pecked from sockets. And who feel that people who hurt animals should be dropped into a meat-grinder and fed to white kittens while their families watch. 

Now. Please sit down Willing Participants. I have some VERY bad news for you.

First of all, in this film, Julia owns a beautiful marmalade cat called Kitty. All right, she’s not very imaginative but that is not a crime. 

Kitty is, in fact, a brilliant actor. And he meows lovingly at Julia which worried me. There are typically, only two reasons for film-makers to give cats screen time. 

One – in romantic comedies, to emphasise how lonely and sad female characters are by showing that their only friends are cats – before lovely Peter Gallagher or lovely Dermot Mulroney or lovely John Cusack shows up. 

Or two – in horror films, in order to SCARE audiences by SACRIFICING KITTY in some MEAN way.

Now, this is no romantic comedy. Or, in other words, please don’t get too attached to Kitty the Marmalade Cat. 

But if you think the horror stops there. Oh dear god no. It gets SO much worse. 

For you see, in the film Evil Twin Mary has a vicious Rottweiler which does her evil bidding. Now, I know Rotties. My friend Andy has one called Pepe, and one time he tried to frighten away some drug dealers who were dealing outside his house by threatening them with Pepe.

The problem is that Pepe is just this giant black and orange teddy bear. So Andy had to pretend to hold Pepe back, saying things like “Look out! He’s a vicious beast!” while in fact, Pepe just wanted to give the drug dealers hugs and big doggy kissies. 

So, if Mary’s dog is vicious, it is NOT HIS FAULT. He has not been given enough positive reinforcement and socialising. However, when – for some reason – that cowardly snivelling DOLT of a psychologist feels threatened by the poor doggy – he does something VERY MEAN to the Rottie. 

So INCREDIBLY mean, that I had to breathe out of a paper bag for about five minutes after seeing it. 

Back in the UK, “Madhouse” was classified as a video nasty. And honestly, there’s nothing that bad in this film. Except this scene. The adorable doggy scene. I have to say, I don’t normally agree with censorship but purely based on this one scene alone. I want all copies of this film burnt. 

Incidentally, I have the director of this film here with me this evening. I have him locked up in a small room with no windows. 

[MUFFLED ITALIAN]

Now I shall introduce open an adjoining door and allow in a pack of farty Labradors who have just been given a lunch of cabbage and chorizo sausage.

[MUFFLED ITALIAN SCREAMING AND FARTING]

Thank you for that insight into your work Ovidio, most illuminating. 

And that brings us to the end of this Pets in Peril Alert. Pets in Peril Alerts – Alerting you to Pets in Peril.

Goo’ boy! Goo’ boy!

Could someone crack a window please?

(Music)

Despite the criticisms I have for this film, I still enjoyed it a lot for the creepy premise, a truly hideous villain, lots of sick, campy humour, some bold choices in who to kill off and a great creepy old house. I shall give this 3.5 out of 5 as a film, but 4 as a horror film. 

Could you crack a window please? 

Our next film of the evening is Brian de Palma’s “Sisters” from 1972. 

(MUSIC)

Brian de Palma is, of course, one of the pre-eminent directors from the “Movie Brats” generation. That group of young film-makers who rose in the late 1960’s and early 70’s, inspired by the French New Wave, and sharing that groups’ enthusiasm for the work of classic Hollywood directors like Howard Hawks, John Ford and Alfred Hitchcock. 

By 1972, de Palma had already made a number of well-reviewed films, including “Greetings!” starring a young Robert De Niro, attempting to avoid military enrolment its sequel “Hi Mom!”. In 1970, he made “Get To Know Your Rabbit” a surrealist comedy starring Tom Smothers, but the two did not get on well, de Palma disliked the end result, and despite a decent reception from critics, the studio let it disappear from the box office. 

Licking his wounds, de Palma decided to reacquire the rights to two of his screenplays, “Phantom of the Paradise” and “Sisters” and to focus his attention on making those instead. He was fortunate in that his friend Ed Pressman backed him. Pressman being the heir to the toy-manufacturer Jack Pressman’s fortune. Jack was known as the Marble King, which I suppose makes Ed the Prince of Marbles.

With Ed on board as producer, de Palma had no problem casting his film. As part of that circle of young film-makers like Stephen Spielberg, Martin Scorcese, Paul Schrader and John Milius he spent a lot of time at a beach house north of Malibu, shared by the actors Jennifer Salt and Margot Kidder. As documented in Peter Biskind’s influential book, “Easy Riders, Raging Bulls” this house seemed to be some sort of nexus-point for all these talents, on their way up. 

According to his book, Jennifer and Margot’s place was where you could go to find romance, smoke weed, drink wine, talk politics and swap ideas for YOUR latest film with like-minded movie brats. Brian de Palma, who was a good friend of Jennifer Salt, became involved with Margot Kidder and, for their Christmas present in 1971, they each received gift-wrapped copy of the script for “Sisters” under the tree.  

For her Xmas present Jennifer Salt was given the part of Grace Collier, a hard-headed anti-establishment journalist who finds her history of writing articles with titles like “Why We Call Them Pigs” does not work in her favour when she witnesses a murder. Bitter, resentful cops, begrudgingly investigate her claims, but are all too eager to close the case when they can find no evidence of a crime. 

But it's Margot Kidder who gets the juicier role of Dominique, the deranged murderer. Stabbing a man directly in the crotch, in a shocking, bloody scene, at the behest of her director and romantic partner, Brian de Palma.

Margot said she quite enjoyed it. 

Margot’s Dominique is a quite terrifying creature. Wide-eyed and mouth agape, she reacts impulsively, fearfully, to emotional distress. She looks completely out of control, like a cornered wild animal. And although de Palma cuts to shadows on the wall for much of the murder scene – so you don’t actually see what’s happening – your mind’s eye sees it all the more vibrant… and RED.

Dominique’s madness, we are told, is caused by her separation from her conjoined twin, Danielle, also played by Margot.

Danielle is the more outgoing and confident of the two. She’s sweet-natured, charming and devoted to her sister. She’s horrified when she sees the after-effects of by Dominique’s brutal attack, but is desperate to keep her out of an asylum. So Danielle cleans up the crime scene, with the help of her ex-husband Emile who is still desperately in love with Danielle and would do anything to save her from being  dragged down by Dominique’s madness.

Incidentally, in case you’re wondering about all these French names, I should add that yes, Emile, Danielle and Dominique are all supposed to be French-Canadian. De Palma had (for some reason) originally written for his twin sisters to be Swedish, but as Kidder had spent some time living in Montreal, she suggested the change and spends theee entire film talk-eeng like theeeees, ‘ow you say, with a silleeee Fronch acc-sont. Comprendez-vous? Oui? D’accord. 

In fact, Margot became the voice coach of William Finlay too, playing the role of the ex-husband Emile. He will be immediately recognisable as Winslow Leach to all of you who love “Phantom of the Paradise” as much as I do. And that is the hell of it. 

But I digress. We left Emile and Danielle tidying up after Dominique’s homicidal frenzy, while poor old Jennifer Salt’s character Grace can’t even get anyone to believe that there ARE two sisters, never mind that one of them is a knife-wielding nutcase. The rest of the movie unfolds like a Hitchcockian thriller, with Grace using her journalistic skills to track down clues… unaware that Emile is quite capable of doing anything to keep Danielle by his side…

And there we go. I’ve done it. I’ve used the H word. Brian de Palma would be so mad with me. He seems quite defensive on the subject, probably because he gets the Hitchcock comparisons ALL THE TIME.  To be fair to him, I don’t think he copies Hitchcock’s directorial style slavishly. He often uses very different techniques to achieve a classicly Hitchcockian effect.

For example, the cleaning scene – where Danielle and Emile are frantically, hilariously trying to mop up blood, falling over each other and stuffing a corpse into a couch, is done in split-screen. Meanwhile, on the other screen, we see Grace marching across the road with the police in tow. Will she get there in time? Will Danielle pull it off? The suspense builds! Hurry UP Grace! Look OUT Danielle!

Hitchcock achieved a very similar effect without split-screen in “Strangers on a Train” by using cross-cutting instead. In the scene where Farley Granger desperately tries to finish a tennis match while his arch-nemesis Robert Walker tries to frame him for murder, Hitchcock cuts swiftly from one to the other and back again. 

Do you see? The same… but different. 

De Palma explained that he liked the technique of split screen because it doesn’t dictate to the audience what they should be looking at. They can choose for themselves what to focus on, and – in some way – make the film their own. This is different to Hitchcock, who saw himself more as a puppetmaster, pulling on the strings of the audience. 

I think it’s more the Hitchcockian themes and that tension that de Palma wants to recreate. This film prods at the voyeurism inherent in cinema (another theme beloved by Hitchcock) by having our protagonist seeing a murder through her neighbour’s window. Voyeurism is also explored in the opening scene, when a man peeps at a blind woman undressing – a scene which recalls the deaf cleaner in “Marnie”. Then there’s the relationship between Grace and her mother, which is not a million miles from Roger O. Thornhill and HIS mother in “North by Northwest”. There are “Rear Window” references and “Psycho” references and, and… 1970’s Brian de Palma, I’m sorry. It’s just… THERE.

And then there’s Bernard Hermann.

Alfred Hitchcock collaborated with many composers in his long career, but his most celebrated pairing was undoubtedly with Bernard Hermann who gave us the splendidly dizzying “Vertigo” theme and those terrifying shrieking violins of “Psycho”. But the two men fell out – spectacularly - in the 1960’s. 

The problem may actually date back to “Psycho” – Hitchcock was very specific that he did NOT want ANY music for the shower sequence, but Hermann went right ahead and wrote some anyway. Given how well it worked, Hitchcock let Hermann off that time, but when he specifically asked for a hit theme song for “Torn Curtain” and Hermann ignored this request, Hitchcock and the composer got into a massive, public fight, right in front of the orchestra.

Fortunately for Hermann, Brian de Palma loved the composer’s work, and put together a rough musical score for an early cut of “Sisters” by cannibalising bits of Hermann’s Hitchcock music. He was therefore delighted when Hermann agreed to write new, original music for his film. 

De Palma screened that rough cut for Bernard Hermann who went APOPLECTIC with rage.

“STOP THE PROJECTOR! STOP IT! STOP IT! I CAN’T HEAR THAT!!!” he screamed, with veins popping in his forehead and spit flying from his mouth. 

“He was scary,” says De Palma on his time with Hermann.

De Palma and Pressman learned to treat him with kid gloves and he gave them another classic score, full of dread, foreboding and tingling suspense. It’s really amazing stuff, and led to a renaissance in Hermann’s career. He would go on to deliver another masterpiece for Martin Scorcese with “Taxi Driver”.

The ”Sisters” soundtrack is the perfect compliment to de Palma’s movie. The birthday cake scene is a favourite of mine, with the music and the split-screen and building pressure of Dominique’s breakdown forcing the audience to the edge of our collective seats. De Palma would go on to use split screen again and again – in Phantom of the Paradise and Carrie, but never as effectively as he uses it in “Sisters” I think. Here, it’s used to create tension – in those other two films it feels more like pointless directorial showboating.

There’s a lovely streak of cynical humour in the “Sisters” script. For example, Danielle wins a big set of scary-looking knives on a game show at the start of the film, the actress playing Jennifer Salt’s mother WARNS her about an asylum newly opened in the neighbourhood, and the final scene of the film is a cracker. The Maguffin – the one vital clue Jennifer Salt’s character has been chasing for most of the film – is finally revealed as utterly meaningless to the plot.

Hitchcock would have approved.

As for me, I loved this film. Maybe de Palma is a Hitchcock magpie, but he takes all these elements and mixes them together so skillfully that I don’t mind at all. Add to this a great, funny, smart performance from Jennifer Salt as a tough female character, and an incredible turn from Margot Kidder as the disturbed sisters and you can see why de Palma would go on to become the director of “The Untouchables”, “Carrie” and “Scarface”. It’s a miracle to me that this film was made on just a $150k budget. Brian de Palma makes it look so good. 

But apparently the film took its toll on Margot Kidder. This film forced her to confront her own inner demons in a very explicit way. 

(dialogue)

Suffering with undiagnosed bipolar disorder, Margot gives an incredibly raw, fearless performance in this film. You won’t forget her Danielle – or her Dominique – for a very long time.

For this reason, I shall give “Sisters” a four and a half out of five as a film. But just a three as a horror film. Despite a brutal murder, and an extremely disturbing dream sequence, this film edges more toward “thriller” than “horror”. And my horror hating wife was fine with it. 

Incidentally, de Palma was inspired to write this screenplay based on Mascha and Dascha, a pair of real-life conjoined twins. He saw a photo of the pair and thought their personalities seemed so different – one light, the other brooding – that it could make for an interesting story.

In fact, the true story of these two sisters is awful and tragic. They were born in Soviet-era Russia – stolen from their mother (who was told she had given birth to a monster) and handed over to scientists for research. What Mascha and Dascha endured during their childhood amounts to nothing less than institutional torture. However, they eventually got away from the scientists, survived to the time of glasnost, and ended up becoming the oldest surviving conjoined twins in the world, despite succumbing to alcoholism.

Our next film is also very roughly based on a true story, of twin gynaecologists Stewart and Cyril Marcus. I would tell you more about their story, but it would spoil the film. 

“Dead Ringers” was written and directed by the King of Body Horror, David Cronenberg. Actually “Dead Ringers” was a bit of a turning point for the director. His transition from horror to films which are perhaps better described as dark psychological dramas. “Dead Ringers” came right after his remake of “The Fly” which is undoubtedly the high water-mark of his horror career, an absolute masterpiece of horror that should have won Oscars, but of course, did not.

“Dead Ringers” picks up on some of the themes of that film – the effect of the mind on the body, and the body upon the mind – and expands it. It asks the question, can the sickness in the mind of one person, infect the body of another? 

What if those two people are close? What if those two people are identical twins? So close their minds are connected like Chang and Eng, the original Siamese twins?

In “Dead Ringers” Elliot and Beverly Mantle are not, in fact, conjoined twins, just identical twin brothers. But they reference Chang and Eng throughout the film. Ellie and Beverly are incredibly close – joined at the mind, if you will - and we see them as young boys at the start of the film, discussing the human reproductive system and asking a classmate if she would have sex with them as an experiment. 

(speech)

That’s how close they are. And kind of weird too. Is what I’m trying to say here. 

They grow up to be famously exclusive gynaecologists, with their own clinic and highly in demand by high-society women due to their successful, experimental techniques. Oh, and they are both played by Jeremy Irons, in the acting challenge that only someone of Iron’s calibre could think of attempting. 

I should talk about the making of this film a little. At the time it was quite revolutionary. Back in the day, if you wanted to film a scene where one actor played twin versions of himself, you’d fix the camera in place. Nail it down on a board if necessary. Film the scene with the actor on one half of the screen, then film the same scene with the same actor on the other half of the screen. Overlay one strip of film on the other and hey-presto, identical twins. 

But a static camera. And an obvious, and very fake-looking technique.

For Cronenberg’s film, they used computerised cameras that would REMEMBER how the camera moved when shooting Irons version 1. Then the cameraman would disappear, Irons version 2 would come on and deliver his lines and the camera would move itself in exactly the same way it had been moved the first time.

The effect is extraordinary. You will believe that Beverly and Ellie are two separate people and not just a camera trick. And while that’s in large part the technology, it’s also Jeremy Irons in an amazing dual performance. The Mantle brothers are very, very similar. But not the same. Beverly is chronically shy and bookish, while Ellie is more outgoing and loves the attention his practise gives him. To add to the confusion of the viewer, the two occasionally pretend to be each other. Sometimes Ellie will be Beverly, examining patients when Beverly wants a second opinion. And sometimes Ellie will use his charm to seduce women who he then tosses to Beverly to sleep with. 

And that is where the trouble begins.

When Beverly sleeps with glamorous actress Claire (played by Genevieve Bujold) he falls in love and refuses to share the details of his encounter with Ellie. 

(speech)

This is the first time the two haven’t shared everything. The first wall put up between them. Claire – it turns out – is a remarkably perceptive woman who eventually figures out what is going on and breaks up with Beverly… or um… Ellie… errr… both of them, I guess. 

(speech)

This precipitates Beverly’s emotional breakdown. Of course, it’s not the only factor. At the same time this is happening, their practise is expanding and Beverly’s workload increases. This causes him to become addicted to drugs, handed to him by actress Claire – herself used to working long hours with no sleep. 

Ellie watches on in horror, as Beverly’s soul and psyche is separated from him, torn from him. Worse still, he finds he’s unable to cope without Beverly. And he comes to the conclusion that the only way to save himself and the other half of himself, is to go on the same journey of addiction and torment as his twin.

If you’re listening to this and wondering where the horror element of this film comes in, well… You’re right. This is a horror film. And a body horror film, but only of the most subtle kind. Probably the most explicit moment of horror in the film is a bizarre dream sequence where Claire appears to rip away a strange, mutated umbilical cord which joins the brothers. 

The other aspect of horror exploits the fact that the Mantle brothers are gynaecologists. This allows Cronenberg to go off on a tangent, exploiting the fear and discomfort of women visiting their gynaecologist. In an extremely unsettling scene, a patient realises that – at her most vulnerable – she’s in the hands of someone who has become unhinged. Meanwhile, Beverly attempts to use new “experimental” instruments on one his patients, under the drug-crazed delusion that she has mutated sex organs.

(speech)

Now, I – as a man – found this unsettling. But I fully expect that if you’ve ever found yourself in stirrups, being encouraged to “scootch down” while an unsympathetic man approaches you with a cold speculum, you might find it fucking terrifying. If they ever make a film about a psychotic proctologist, I expect I’ll feel the same.

In fact, I have right now copyrighted the title, “Psycho Bum Doctor”. SyFy channel, I await your call. 

However, this film really only skirts the edges of horror. For the most part it is an examination of dependency. How dependent the mind is upon the body, and how mental degeneration can lead to physical destruction.

For that reason, although I’ll score this as a five out of five as a film – for those amazing performances by Irons and Bujold and… uh… Irons, I can only score it a one out of five as a horror film. Maybe an extra point as a horror film, if you happen to have a fanny.

It's a lovely film to look at. Stylistically, David Cronenberg really came of age with this film, I feel. From the striking images of the brother’s clinic – more like a modern art gallery than a medical centre, to the blood-red gowns they wear in the operating theatre, this is an amazing looking film. It also captures that elitist yuppie culture of the mid-80’s really well. 

But mainly this is a tragic tale, of the strength and support we can gain from psychological bonds, but how those same bonds can destroy us, if they are allowed to toxify. And how… and how… twins can never be truly separated from each other (breaks down in tears)….

Oh Val, Val, my brother…! Can you ever forgive me? I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Here let me use a moist towelette, to remove the squirrel shit from you…

Oh Hal… You will always be my twin…. You know I shall always love you... Here, take my handkerchief, you’re covered in snotters.

I know Val, I know…. (HONK) Let us go forward together. Hand in hand, you and I can accomplish anything.

You’re so right Hal…. But first…. Into the room of stinky Labradors with you!!

(Door slamming and locking)

What the fuck? Val! You complete and utter total bastard!

Here doggies! Here doggies! Uncle Val has a nice meal of sprouts and steak for you!

No! Val! No!! Oh my god!! I’m telling mummy! Aieee! My nasal passages! They’re melting!

Thank you for joining my brother and I tonight, my lovely Willing Participants. Just me again next time when I’ll be discussing the short stories of Stephen King. We’ll have trucks, manglers, lawnmower men and children of the corn. 

But until then. Never trust anyone who looks exactly like you. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.